I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dear god my vagina.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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