walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Still dying that you shit outside
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
