Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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