Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
