I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
