Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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