mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
