Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
