Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
