Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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