I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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