The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.