If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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