I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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