I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
