I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
