I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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