im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
