i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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