I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
