I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
