I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
