How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
