He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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