I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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