I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
