I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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