does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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