shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
