Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
