My liver just broke up with me...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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