So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
