She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
