I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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