We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
