Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
