i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
