you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
