I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's rum buckets o'clock
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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