I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
