my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
