if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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