I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
