Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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