i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
