i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
