college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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