I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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