I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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