if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
