i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She even gives head with a lisp.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
