omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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