Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
