i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
