if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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