I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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