Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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